Reflections

1 Feb, 2025

I'm usually not the kind of person who likes looking at their own reflection, but I also don't particularly hate it. It is, however, quite a challenge to see myself for what I really am. Accepting that what you see in there is what other people perceive from outside takes enormous amounts of efforts. And that's exactly the thing I dread the most. To be perceived by others. The fact that others are aware of my existence. That people can have an opinion of me. No matter how hard I try to go unnoticed, I will still leave an impression on people I don't know. And that impression more often than not is something I quite clearly don't want to reflect. It's not actually me, but a blanket that sheds light on everything I don't want to recognize as "me". Unsolicited. Of course I'm trying to work on this as best as I can, but takes so much mental energy to se myself eye to eye. In my teen years I used to cry whenever I tried to look at myself, thinking that what I was seeing was someone else. I put a mirror next to my bed so that the first thing I saw when I woke up was myself. It used to ruin my mornings at a point that I considered taking it off, but I figured that it was part of the process and decided to keep it there for the rest of my teenage years.

Today, I spent more time looking at myself in that mirror after I woke up. I was surprised to notice that, for the first time in years, I didn't feel disgust at the sight of myself. In fact, I felt some faint sense of satisfaction, as if some part of me has realized that it wasn't so bad at all. That maybe I was looking at myself from the wrong angle. That there is no cover. It's just me.

I ended up doing some silly poses in front of the mirror, which actually boosted my morning mood. I wonder why it took me so long to see myself like this.