Beginnings

30 Jan, 2025

Today I started going to therapy, so I figured I'll start writing my progress in this little blog. It's just to keep track of how my life's going and recollect my thoughts. Overall, the state of my life has been not so good, but I do hope the Lord hears my prayers and takes me down a safe path. Recently I've been taken to the hospital to do multiple studies. Most of them came out fine, but my thyroxine levels turned pretty low, which got me diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I don't really mind this, since I suspected this was long time coming. My family has an ongoing history with these kinds of conditions, so it wasn't really a surprise. Though, I don't really know if I'll be able to afford the medicine I need. I'm sure I'll find a way. Vacations are almost ending so hopefully I'll get my pay next month.

On another note, I've been attending church almost daily recently. I haven't been going so much since I finished my basic studies there, but lately it has become one of the few places I can feel seen. The reason I wasn't attending as much before is mostly due to my family's control. Since they're Evangelical they're against the idea of me going to a Catholic church. It wouldn't have been a wise choice to disobey their dogma seeing the conditions I was living in. But now that I'm living by myself I can really practice my own beliefs as I want, and praise the Lord in the ways I am most able to.

Moving on to a different topic, recently I've been getting into Indonesian indie rock. I'm not too picky when it comes to music really, I'll just listen to whatever sounds good to my ears. But lately I've acquired an ever-growing taste for Indonesian bands like Jellybelly, The Adams and Sheila on 7, to name a few. They have amazing vocals and their instrumentals are quite catchy, which makes them fun and entertaining to listen to. I want to keep digging into more bands from this country from now on since their stuff turned out to be so good. Another type on music I have been getting into again is IDM, specifically with the works of Osamu Sato. I think his music related to his video game projects are particularly endearing. I used to watch videos at night saying how his stuff was actually very weird and creepy, but personally I feel like that's what makes it so unique. The colorful aesthetics of his games are perfectly captured by his music and it's genuinely a joy to sit through. I've actually started listening to it while I go on my daily walks, it helps me keep focused.

Lastly, I've been trying to keep in touch more often with the only friend I have, who sadly lives in another country. It's been hard trying to talk to other people since most of the time I try to isolate myself. The thing is that I don't feel deserving of being or even talk with people. Not because I feel superior but because most of times I tend to push my worth to the ground. I know the Lord considers each and everyone of us valuable, but it's been so hard for me to give myself some sort of worth. It's hard to believe other people see me, or perceive me, it's actually terrifying. But thankfully my friend does understand this and tries her best to lift me up in any way I can. She actually convinced me to get therapy, so I'm very thankful for her being there for me. I hope I'm being as helpful to her as she is to me. Hopefully I can try and make new friends too. Not that I'm not happy with the friendship I have, but because I genuinely wish to have more human connections in real life and enjoying time with people I share the soil with.

That would be everything for today, I hope I can make this a habit and don't forget to update often.